


timing

by syncopate (orphan_account)



Series: hanahaki disease [8]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 08:52:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10827933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/syncopate
Summary: "i met someone," jonghyun says, and there's a silly kind of happiness in his expression that jinki hasn't seen in awhile. he leans over to stare seriously at jinki. "you don't have to worry anymore." jinki nods and smiles, patting jonghyun on the back of his hand."i'm happy for you," jinki says, and he knows he means it.the flowers he throws up after jonghyun leaves, he knows he means those too.





	timing

_ "i met someone," jonghyun says, and there's a silly kind of happiness in his expression that jinki hasn't seen in awhile. he leans over to stare seriously at jinki. "you don't have to worry anymore." jinki nods and smiles, patting jonghyun on the back of his hand.  _

 

_ "i'm happy for you," jinki says, and he knows he means it.  _

 

_ the flowers he throws up after jonghyun leaves, he knows he means those too. _

 

~-~

 

jinki is 18 when he meets jonghyun, on the rooftop of the highest building in their school. jonghyun is standing near the edge of the roof, leaning against the railing and staring down at the view; it's the first time jinki has seen someone else while he's there. 

 

he feels a little like he's frozen, trapped in glue. perhaps other people would have gone up and made friends, but jinki gets tongue-tied in social situations, and dislikes strangers. he stands there stuck in a quandary for what seems like ages before the boy turns. 

 

"hello," he says. and jinki notices he's got a nice face, angular, almost too angular, large eyes, too big nose, sulky mouth. 

 

"hi," jinki replies. 

 

and then nothing else is said. the boy stares at jinki with consideration, like he's figuring out a particularly complex puzzle, and jinki doesn't know if he should turn around and leave or wait until the inspection is over.

 

"how did you get up here?" the boy asks, eventually.

 

"i know the janitor," jinki replies, simply.

 

"oh, me too."

 

jinki watches the boy with furrowed brows, not sure what else he should be saying, and the boy notices. he tilts his head and barks out a tiny laugh. "no need to look so terrified," he says. "i'm jonghyun."

 

"i'm jinki." he says this on reflex.

 

"oh, the top in science and maths?"

 

"y-yes," jinki admits reluctantly.

 

"you should help me," jonghyun says. "i'm terrible."

 

"oh."

 

"you don't talk much, do you?"

 

"not really." 

 

jonghyun's eyes crinkle up when he smiles. he shifts a little to give jinki some space and they stand together against the railings and watch the school. 

 

~-~

 

it's only later that jinki figures out who jonghyun is -- the loner that everyone has labelled 'emo'. he usually sits in a corner of the school garden; sheets of paper spread around him, and a guitar in hand. some people find him attractive, others find him terrifying; especially when his lyrics often slip into realms considered dark by most definitions; depression and obsession. jinki hasn't ever paid attention; he too is a loner of sort, more interested in equations and chemicals than the whispers of humans. 

 

eventually, he learns that labels too quickly stuck on are often wrong. jonghyun is bubbly and talkative, always a topic on his lips, very far from the depressed, lonely soul that the student population had decided he is. 

 

"why do you write about things like that?" jinki asks once, and jonghyun's shrug is easy. 

 

"sometimes i wonder what it feels like to want to destroy something. sometimes i wonder what it feels like to want to destroy yourself." 

 

it's not an answer. but it also is. jinki thinks he would like to understand jonghyun.

 

~-~

 

it's an odd friendship by most standards; jinki interested in the very tangible rules and equations that make up science, jonghyun prying into the murky, broken arena of human souls. but somehow they make it work. and even as jonghyun drifts off into the not so stable life of music gigs and part time work, and jinki into the very serious world of research, they keep their fingers tied to little parts of each other's' lives.

 

~-~

 

jinki is 24 when he finds out jonghyun is in love with him. 

 

he visits one of the pubs that jonghyun has regular gigs at, smiling slightly at the bartender who recognizes him as jonghyun's good friend. jonghyun is half way through the set, crooning a soft love song and hasn't seen jinki yet, so he settles near the bar and makes small talk with the bartender -- taemin, his name, if jinki recalls correctly. 

 

jinki notices that jonghyun's voice is raspier, as if suffering from a sore throat, and he has to breathe far more than usual. but it's when the set ends and jonghyun catches his eye before dissolving into a coughing fit that jinki really gets worried. he rushes close. 

 

"what's wrong with you?"

 

jonghyun fends jinki off with the hand not covering his mouth. "it's fine," he says, voice hoarse, when jinki refuses to leave. 

 

"no, it's not.  _ you're _ not." 

 

"then it's good it's my last set, huh?" jonghyun's smile is strained, his skin pale and eyes dull. it alarms jinki, that so much could have changed in the six months since he last saw jonghyun. at that time, they had gone for karaoke at jonghyun's request, had eaten steak that jinki cooked in his apartment. jonghyun had slept over. he had looked happy, he had looked healthy.

 

"jonghyun." jinki lays a gentle hand on jonghyun's shoulder. "what's going on?" 

 

instead of answering, jonghyun sucks in a breath, casts a terrified look at jinki and bolts to the washroom. 

 

following some instinct, jinki follows closely behind, and he manages to catch jonghyun leaning over the toilet and throwing up petals before jonghyun can close the door.

 

"you have hanahaki disease." there's dread pooling in jinki's stomach. he's heard of the illness; the havoc it can wreck, the pain in the soul that is translated into pain of the body. people died of it, he didn't want jonghyun to die.

 

"who is it?" the question falls too easily from his lips.

 

and jonghyun just smiles, almost pityingly. there's a smudge of blood on the corner of his mouth he's forgotten to wipe away.

 

"oh," jinki says, when he finally understands the meaning of jonghyun's steady gaze and sad smile. he doesn't know what else to say.

 

"still don't talk much, eh?" jonghyun shakes his head. "it's alright. i have an appointment next friday. i heard the results are almost instantaneous." 

 

"i just didn't want you to find out before that happens." jonghyun looks shrunken, and jinki's heart lurches.

 

"i'm sorry," he says, meaningfully.

 

jonghyun cracks out a breathless laugh. "you can't apologize for feelings," he says. he looks up at jinki with a serious expression. "still friends?" 

 

"yeah," jinki says. there's a twinge in his chest when jonghyun smiles.

 

~-~

 

jinki is 25 when he realises he loves jonghyun too. by then it's about 7 months after jonghyun's surgery and their friendship has settled into what it used to be. casual texting, some dinners, jinki being audience to jonghyun's performances, jonghyun trying to understand jinki's research. 

 

jonghyun is happy again, healthy. and jinki is the one who is terrified and sick. jinki is the one who is throwing up petals. when he looks up the flowers, they're daisies. the internet says they symbolize purity, innocence and true love. jinki snorts at the last one. maybe they were, but not anymore, timing is against them. in a last ditch effort, he looks up the probability of the feelings coming back and knocks against statistics of 1% or less. he chokes on laughter and daisy petals and figures he should just bite the bullet and do the surgery.

 

when jonghyun tells him three days later that he's met someone, the decision seems even more vital.

 

~-~

 

jinki curses his luck when he bumps into jonghyun in the hospital food court on the day of his appointment. all he had wanted was a cup of tea. jonghyun has his phone to his ear but he mutters something and puts the call on hold. 

 

"what are you doing here?" he wraps fingers around jinki's elbow and guides him away from the busy stalls. 

 

"i'm- i needed a treatment. what are you here for?" 

 

"i'm meeting someone. they work here. the person i told you about?" jonghyun colours. and it's pretty and jinki can feel the petals pushing up against his throat. "what treatment are you here for?"

 

"i-" jinki's coughing before he can answer, and the petals on the tissue answer the question for him.

 

jonghyun stares aghast. "who?" he looks from jinki to the petals and back.

 

and it's jinki's turn to look pityingly at jonghyun, no answer on his lips.

 

"oh," jonghyun says, and his expression morphs into one that is terribly heartbreaking. 

 

"yeah," jinki says. he shrugs, there's a tearing pain in his heart that echoes jonghyun's expression.

 

"i wish- i really wish the timing had been better," jonghyun says sorrowfully. 

 

"me too," jinki says slowly, nodding. "me too." he smiles at jonghyun, and jonghyun smiles back.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> jongyu isn't exactly one of my ships so i'm sorry if i screwed up ;;;;


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